Oxpersia

2006-01-24T20:11:00.000-08:00

I am writing here now:
www.perston.blogspot.com
www.koochii.persianblog.com

And this story will go on...

Koochi

Goodbye Oxford..

2005-07-27T16:19:00.000-07:00

Back in Oxford after a month in Tehran, I am sitting here in Shiva's room, sending my last Oxford post.. It felt really weird to be back in town, in the Iffley house with my dear Chery, in the college and in tarbouch. It has been raining non stop since I arrived, and the smell of rain and the damp grass has been around all the time. Again, I was humbled by how my friends treated me, how they surprised me the first night with that email of "The girls in town" and how they made it to the pub, how they gethered in Royal Oak after so long, and how they made me feel they have really missed me the way I Had missed them. Ruairi's letter though, left with jen, made me cry. I feel so lucky to have experienced these friendships, and to have been a part of this beautiful life. I also got the year book today, and those pictures, those captions and those words, made me realise that this season will never be over, it will long live in our hearts, and will extend into the future when we are scattered around the globe. Yannis reminded me I will never be lonely as long as one of us is around, as he sent out that email to the list and as he welcomed me with his kind smile and his wit. Nessie and Naty are away, so are Rob and Ruairi. But they were all in my thoughts over the past few days. These 4 days have been really strange, I feel like I am never leaving in a way, as I have Oxford in my heart, my friends and even tarbouch friends treated me like family and made me feel secure and loved. Ironically, Rami is leaving for good tomorrow too, seems Tarbouch is welcoming a new season as well.

For long I tried to convince myself I am still sane. It suddenly hit me tonight - seeing off Tim at the train station - that life is not about being sane at all. Maybe life is really about living. As words were floating in the air on St Gile's road, I was breathing them in. I was breathing in the air of this summer night of Oxford, which happens to be my very last night in oxford. Maybe life is also about timing, and about the vibes. Maybe we all see a part of our soul in others, even if we are pretending to be a cool noone in zuma sipping over a glass of cosmo. Maybe life IS really about living, in which case I am not the best person to comment on it, specially when I walk out the station, close my eyes and let the cool breeze wipe my tears..

Goodbye me, the me who lived in Oxford. Sometimes, you should just put the blinders on and move on, the wind will dry your tears anyway. Tonight, I feel so place-less, yet so at home in this big world. Overwhelmed by feelings and emotions, I am just so grateful for the beautiful moments that life has granted me. Good night Oxford, sweet dreams and bright days ahead.. I still believe in dreams, and maybe this is why I have to leave you. You will always be in my heart, always.

Good night Oxford, Goodbye me, the me who lived this dream...
O xxx

Time to go...

2005-06-22T04:41:00.000-07:00

I can't believe I am writing the very last words from this room, which is now empty. Packed and ready to go, I can't help this strange feeling of holding on to memories. Yesterday at the SMR house where we had the goodbye BBQ, it just hit me that no matter how great the future would be, I am never going to get over my Oxford memories, not only because of the great time we shared and the things we learnt every single moment, but mainly because I have gotten to know some unique people and have made lifetime priceless friends here. Hugs and tears, being tackled and poured champagne over our faces, laughters, the smell of grass and grill, the exclusive smell of the SMR house and corridors, games, photos and finally the sunset, were all telling me that it is soon time to go. Maybe that is why I didn't want to go home, and why we ended up in BarRisa. I can't say how I felt when I saw even Ioanniss who has tons of work to do, came along. At one point, I just looked at us and thought I had it all, I had all my college friends there (though couldn't help missing Naty all the time), I had Shiva there, I had the SMR house, I had a chapter of beautiful life, I had all these tender feelings in my heart, what more could I ask for? It is just this thing, this rule, that all good things come to an end. Some of us will be seeing each other soon again, Rob, Gerardo, Naty, Siva, Ioannis, Sandeep, Sarah and probabely Alex, Dan and Vanessa. But some are off to other places, and the irony is I just realised they are people who you really want to see again. Life is such a mystery. I am wondering what is lying behind all that happened in the past few months, and how I am going to get the point of each encounter, each moment. I also got the most unforgettable bike ride from Ruairi, all the way from SMR to BarRisa, and feeling the cool breeze on my face, I was thinking to myself if I am ever going to forget this twenty first of June night.

There are still lots of questions, why some things happen at certain times, why some things are so unique that you can't get them out of your head, why good things always come to an end and why I am feeling so strange on my last Oxford night. I am longing to go home, and can't wait to see my family. But at the same time, it is not easy to close an extremely beautiful chapter of your being, and say goodbye to this turning point of your life...

Shiva called and told me she couldn't see me off at the station because it will break her down, and her voice was trembling. We both decided it is better this way, I hate that station scene, and it will be really difficult for her too. Last night was fantastic, I had my best friends around, and I felt so graeful to have lived this life, to have been so privilaged to have known special people and beautiful souls from which I have learnt a lot about myself. But even last night came to an end. When Ruairi left the college, and when I went back to the MCR, I realised the night is over, and I have hours left to my flight. Some realisations are hard to digest, and this was one of them.

Now, sitting in the empty room 24 of staircase four, I am writing my very last words of St Peters' college. I spent the morning writing some cards for Nessie, porters, shiva and others. I can't believe I have to finish here. I look outside the window, look at the quad, and then at the sky. Future is calling me, so is home. It is just hard to control my tears...
This is how the first Kooch was supposed to finish, and I am grateful for every single moment of it. Yes, it is good to leave when things are great, and I can't ask for anything greater than this...

Goodbye St Peters', Goodbye the green quad, and goodbye Oxford... I will be visiting again, but I am not your girl anymore, or will I be? Who knows. Life is such a funny story, maybe one day I will be back again, and you will embrace me again...Goodbye cubblestones, goodbye locked bicycles around the rad cam, goodbye rain, goodbye sunshine, goodbye long black gowns, goodbye formal halls and high tables, goodbye guest nights, goodbye the MCR, goodbye BBQs, goodbye SMR, goodbye friends, goodbye the most beautiful bench of Oxford, goodbye Big K!, goodbye New Inn Hall Street, goodbye Nature!, goodbye ChCh meadows, goodbye Tarbuch nights, goodbye old cafe's, goodbye magics, goodbye wonders, goodbye tender moments, goodbye ...

Orkideh - 1:35 pm
22 June 05
St Peters' College

2005-06-19T05:01:00.000-07:00

My street ...

2005-06-18T19:59:00.000-07:00

Radcliffe Camera

2005-06-18T10:04:00.000-07:00

View from the most beautiful bench in Oxford...
Courtesy of Ruairi :)

2005-06-18T09:47:00.000-07:00

Four days of no sleep in a row.. Naty left, and Ruairi finished exams which meant we ended up in Bridge, and then Thursday was the Ladies day in York, at Ascot races. I am so grateful to Richard, my mentor who invited me to Ascot and put a beautiful end to my UK experiences. The day was beautiful and the royal family were there too, to give a parade in the beginning of the races. Arriving at Oxford in the late evening, I couldn't resist joining my friends for some good one hour of laughter. And then yesterday was my last official visit from London, which ended in Zuma after a tiring day of official works. There in Zuma, for some peculiar reason, I found out a lot about myself, pondering about who I can really be, and who I have never been. It was such a unique day of just looking at London, beautiful and sunny and hot (yes, summer is finally here), sitting at cafe Crepiere on Barret St, behind Selfridges, and writing for myself. That spanish man who was playing the acardeon, that embracing sunshine and London, was all I could call Life. London, beautiful and seductive, lying down und the sunshine, telling me how far I have gone and how far I have to yet go...
Here on my desk, there is a box of matches from Zuma, on which I have written 17.06.05, so that I will never forget who I can be.

O xxx

2005-06-15T12:22:00.000-07:00

Even there dancing at Bridge, I hadn't believed it was really Naty's goodbye night. So hard did we try not to talk about leaving and missing each other last night. We danced and laughed, hopeing that the night would never end. It just hit me a few minutes ago, when she left staircase four, and walked away in the quad. She came to my room for some last minute goodbye, and seeing her off downstairs, was the most difficult part of these farewells. I know we will be close, I know she is a lifetime friend, I know we will be in the same country again, I know all that. But still, today I had to say goodbye to this "Naty and I" chapter of Oxford, to the St Margaret's House life, to the late nights of talking and drinking tea, to those good days and those bad days we shared, to those midnights when I could knock on her door and she could knock on my door, to the night that I practiced my Pablo Neruda presentation with her, to those Guest nights and our frantic evenings of dressing up, to those lunches at La Bella Pasta, to those photos of a lifetime, to our endless conversations about life and love, to those moments that we shared our dreams and fears with each other and to this unique life of Oxford which wouldn't have been as unique, had I not found a friend with a golden heart and a beautiful soul. I wish I could tell her today how much I have learnt from her, how much of myself she has taught me, how much happiness she has granted me and how much support she has provided me with. I wish I could immortalise these moments, I wish I could keep these eternal memories somewhere safe in my heart. She is gone, so will I be, as well as others. Next week we are having a shared goodbye party, Ruairi and Rob and I. These nights are the nights of goodbye drinks and future contact plans. I have a feeling that our paths will cross, or maybe it is in my heart that these people and these friends will always live. I hate saying goodbye, and bursting into tear, I wrote in Naty's card that I refused to say goodbye. Instead, I shall just say: Till later...
Thanks Naty, for being there for me, for making this Kooch a different one, for making me know my real self, for believing in me, for crying with me, for sharing with me your pains, for letting me share with you my worries, for telling me magical words when I was lost, for laughing at me when I was silly, for being you, and for being there since the first days of St Margaret's life, and for not saying goodbye, I hate it too.. Let's just say: Hasta luego, hasta manana..
I am proud of you, and I know that watching you fly, is more beautiful than having you by my side. I will be proud of you, always, and whenever I hear about the UN, I will feel proud of my genious friend who is going to introduce cheesy music to the United Nations...
Fly !

O xxx

2005-06-09T17:52:00.000-07:00

I need words, I am running out of words these days.. Time is still running ahead of me, and here I am, sitting here looking at this quad which is suddenly so empty.. This is how I am finding each place, each day, suddenly empty. Suddenly we are not there anymore, but this college and this quad are, and will always be.

Richard Head's memorial, Rob and Andy's brilliant lectures, My Persian rug, my funny speeches, photos, the cool breeze, the beautiful summer night, the music room and the opening of the memorial, the grass, time, trinty and Nature...
There is a lot lying in the heart of each moment, and suddenly even moments will be gone, empty and far.

I am running out of words, even in my own language...

Cambridge ...

2005-06-09T09:29:00.000-07:00

We finally made it, the Cambridge trip and the ceremony of Nature! We couldn't get a better day for it, sunny and beautiful.. And I will never forget this great day of walking over the bridge of Sigh, eating at the Anchor and punting on Cam river. Punting was probabely the best part of our tour, with Nessie losing the pole, with Ruairi braving his first punting experience and with loads of wine and chocolate. We all agreed on the conclusion that Cambridge is somehow smaller, more beatiful and greener, but less of a city than Oxford. Personally, I still choose Oxford over Cambridge, because of being much closer to London and its more vivid life style. But all in all, Cambridge was beautiful, and we made the best of our day trip... Thanks to Rob for being the Boss, thanks to Ruairi for the words of wisdom, thanks to Nessie for leaving the pole in the mud, thanks to Rahul for the chocolates and the box of scottish short bread, thanks to Alex for remembering I am not a beer fan, thanks to Anges for leaving us behind when punting, and thanks to the warmest day of the year so far...
This is how we fnally made it to cambridge...

Nature !

O xxx

Notts

2005-06-07T05:21:00.000-07:00

They passed me by , all of those great romances
You were, I felt, robbing me of my rightful chances
My picture clear, everything seemed so easy
And so I dealt you the blow
One of us had to go
Now it's different, I want you to know
One of us is crying One of us is lying In her lonely bed
Staring at the ceiling
Wishing she was somewhere else instead
One of us is lonely One of us is only Waiting for a call
Sorry for herself, feeling stupid feeling small
Wishing she had never left at all

I saw myself as a concealed attraction
I felt you kept me away from the heat and the action
Just like a child, stubborn and misconceiving
That's how I started the show
One of us had to go
Now I've changed and I want you to know
One of us is crying One of us is lying In her lonely bed
Staring at the ceiling
Wishing she was somewhere else instead
One of us is lonely One of us is only Waiting for a call
Sorry for herself, feeling stupid feeling small
Wishing she had never left at all
Never left at all

One of Us - ABBA

There are times to just look back at yourself and to feel like looking at a different person, someone else who has once lived in you. Walking along Nottinghill Gate, passing Holland Park Avenue in London, I was wondering how beautiful life could be at times, and yet how meaningless Time could be when each of those buildings would be a part of your life for good. After taking care of some official work in London, I spent some time at the wine bar in Selfridges, spending one of the most peaceful evenings with nothing on my mind, but the concept of Time. They were palying ABBA in the bar "One of us lonely, one of us is only , waiting for a call wishing she had never left it all.." , and ironically I was suddenly thinking of the Mama mia play, and of many more beautiful London memories. I still remember the Alumni Science Conference in St Peters' last September, I remember the cold late evenings of the Tube station in Nottinghill, the Turk Exhibition, Linton House and those marvelous nights of fall and many other beautiful things. I also remember how stressful my schedule and my life was in those days, and I can't help but wonder if I could have lived a different way, had I not been going through such a hectic time at work. But now, all that matters is the beautiful memories I am carrying with me, the beautiful memories that London will always remember, and the beautiful moments that only I am aware of, and no one else can feel the way I felt when in the heart of each moment, I was getting to know more about myself. Time flies, and what remains is only this feeling, when you look back at yourself, and you can't help smiling and closing your eyes and taking a deep breath, thinking to yourself what an amazing life you have lived...
O xxx

2005-05-26T15:45:00.000-07:00

Oxford's beautiful summer is finally here, and I am embracing this beautiful night in St Peter's quad, looking at the sky and feeling the gentle breeze on my skin, thinking to myself if I could ever get over my memories of these days. I spent a good 2 hours after midnight on Monday, just walking in the college, sitting on these benches, listening to "Just before I close my eyes" . I tried to look at each window, each room, each tree, the chapel, the hall and the MCR, taking pictures that will always stick in my mind. Last week, my last MCR duty of organising lectures, was over. We had the Master of the college give us a talk about his own life and his studies. The talk turned into a debate on the relation between Science and religious faith, taking into account the fact that he is a mathematician as well as a priest. Being one of the first designers of caculators, he said something which was quite intriguing "If the faith is to go away after knowing about evoultion, it is not worth having faith in the first place", and then we discussed how evoution can make it mor clear that the material world is complicated and important, and that a scientist could have a better insight of God's presence. These words took me back to my own interpretations of faith, while going through medical school and then Genetics world.
Tonight, listening to Ray Charles singing "You don't know me" , I am putting an end to another amazing evening of formal hall and exchange dinner with Pembroke and joyful moments with friends in the college bar. Looking out through my window, I am also putting an end to many unforettable moments with people who I will never forget. I had my last meeting with Dr Moloney over a coffee to discuss my plans. He reminded me again of that February afternoon when I stepped into his office to introduce myself as a new student. I remember how friendly and supportive he was and remained, telling me how unpredictable life can be " I came here to stay for a year Orkideh, but I ended up having a british wife and two kids after 20 years". I wish I could have told him today, how much i owe to him for just being there whenever I needed some good piece of advice, and how he helped me remember that there were still good people out there, scientist who were still human beings. Poeple in St Peters' have been extremely nice to me, porters, the staff, fellows and even Jean Wright who offered me a storage place for summer today. I feel like I am leaving a big family behind. Every single person is becoming history before I even get a chance to tell them how grateful I am to them for just being there for me. This summer night is hitting me, Another season is yet to come, and I am looking forward to it.
One of my friends just turned lesbian, falling in love with a girl. As shocking as it can get, we were all thinking of how this could ever happen. It is hard not to observe this pattern in academic and professional environments, when professional straight women start to find men less sufficient to fulfill their emotional and mental gasping. Let alone the differences between men and women, women are now looking for more of a mental connection and emotional understanding rather than just financial security and social acceptance, and chances are after a series of unsuccessful relationship with men, they find that connection with a woman and voila, they go for it. Still, there must be some kind of biological tendency toward the same sex -however in disguise one might be- to make it happen. All in all, one cannot stop thinking of the future world, with loads of intelligent and professional women who are little satisfied with the male designed world. Could it be a start of an orientational evolution amongst the elite? Or is it simply the realisation of one's sexual orientatoin over time? All I know is that my friend was and is one of the sharpest and most ambitious girls I have ever met, and I am far from judging her on her act. She keeps saying that she has fallen in love with a human being, no matter man or woman. I am just trying to understand this last bit, and my effort have been of no avail so far.
Well, I guess this is all for this beautiful summer night of Oxford, plus lots of laughter on tonight's feature at dinner, Konstantin the great... Bon soir St Peters' :)
O xxx

2005-05-21T19:21:00.000-07:00

How can I ever forget these last days of this college ..Seems like every single moment is trying to tell me something. It took many of us a While - no matter how long - to realise that this season is coming to an end, and all of a sudden there is a lot of unsaid to be said. It was tonight at Freuds where I realised life will move on, no matter how badly I want to stick to the memories of St Margaret's house, the MCR and my friends. It took me so long to just face the reality of how quickly moments can pass by, leaving us with priceless stories of growth and attachment. A bunch of last year's SMR people where in town today for their graduation ceremony, and when I saw Tania and Kevin and Voitej and Carolina, I was bursting into tears, just the way I was when I stepped into the SMR BBQ last night and realised my days in that house are history now. My window was shut, and the garden was still the same, and there the smell of rain and burgers reminded me of my happy days of sitting up late with Naty and Kevin and Basak.
There is a lot more to these last days than hasty farewells and goodbye drinks. It seems all of a sudden there is a lot to be said, a lot to be felt. And in the shadow of every single moment and every single wonder, there seems to appear a new Me, a new realisation of my feelings. It took me a while to finally believe life really Is about moments.
Sometimes words are just useless. Sometimes it is all about feelings, which might be left unsaid and unexplored. But no matter how, life will move on. At times, we might be so wrapped up in ourselves that we just don't notice wonders floating in the air. At times, we just wait for the wonders to come by, not knowing that the moments are just there. At times, when we are still searching for those moments, the moments just pass by.
All I want to do with these last days, is to live moments thoroughly. We were making a joke over P.Victoire tonight, which ironically applies to life: It is not a matter of how many times you get to be there, it is rather a matter of how many times you Want to be there.

Une Nuit Differente...

2005-05-19T18:38:00.000-07:00

You know when sometimes you plan life, as if things can ever be in your hands, and sit back wait for the plans to work. But the thing is, sometimes plans are just there to make you realise that you have no control over life, whatsoever. No matter what the end of these days will be, I am just looking at this quad through my window, and think to myself. I will never forget this quad, as it made me realise that life is about wonders, about moments and about you, realising how different life is from your objective plans. The queit May night is gone by, and here I am, je suis confuse', and looking at my desk calender with its picture of Oxford via Radcliffe camera, I realise I am only left with four weeks to live this city, to live this experience and to live this orkideh. Lots of places I havn't seen, lots of things I haven't done, but above that , lots of things I haven't accepted, and lots of things I haven't said. Maybe this is why I ended up sitting in the quad, feeling the cool breeze on my skin, so that I can remember how in disguise we can be, how naive and how off. It has been a while, and no matter how long this While could be, I am feeling life under my skin. It has been a while, since god knows when, last week, last month or even the Hilary guest night or the Ball, who cares. It has been a while, and now here I am, always the last person to realise the tender tension in the air. Now I guess, it is time to realise that time goes by, be it my way or the other, I will be off home in a month, and these vivid May nights will be history. At this very point, I am just wondering if it is ever going to make sense, the way I experienced this quad, this college, and this story. Le monde, c'est petit. Paths will cross, and we ourselves, are the ones who define each path. Off to god knows where, I am just feeling how life can be exclusive to some moments and not to others. How unpredictable some moments can be and how different things could be from your perceptions. Some people have dreams and some don't. Yet there are some people who live for their dreams while knowing that each moment could carry in itself a big dream, one which has not yet come true. Being the one who believes each moment can be the last one of your life, I am surrounded by moments, each different from one another, and each telling me how badly I should live each to the end.
Life reminds me of the ocean, how quiet and calm it can be one minute, and how stormy the next. No matter how in control of your boat you are, sometimes the waves just carry you along, be it your way or the other, all you can do is to sit still and wait for the tides to define you, and to show you what you may be dreaming of. Sometimes life is the best plan, yet you might not be the one who planned it. At this very point, maybe it is best to let the plan of life take over. At times, life's plans are much more real than yours.

2005-04-26T13:25:00.000-07:00

Some people lecture beautiful words and thoughts. Some people write beautiful words and thoughts. Some people copy beautiful words and thoughts. But some people simply live them...

2005-04-23T18:02:00.000-07:00

I have watched a couple of good movies recently. One was the Interpreter, which was really good. The other one was In The Time of the Butterflies, based on the true story of Minerva Mirabal and Mirabal sisters who were killed by dictator Trujillo in Dominican Republic. I think I kind of related to both movies because of the dictatorship issue and what the 2 countries have been through for years. Tonight though, just to have a break we went to watch a brainless comedy, The Wedding date ! and then we all ended up in a Brazilian Party. It was a long time I hadn't danced, and this is the great thing about Oxford. If you are in the mood, there are always lots of things going on around, of which I am usually not aware..

It is a lovely friend's wedding in DC now, which I couldn't make. At the same time, two family friends just got divorced, of which I heard today. I was just wondering how this happens. Why are so many people getting divorced these days, the very same people who have looked into each other's eyes and passionately said I Do. I agree with the positive fact that people no longer have to stay in rotten marriages, but at the same time people have choices now, they are less frequently victims of arranged or uninvestigated relationships and marriages. Is it that they have all been wrong when making their choices? Or simply that there is an expiry date to marriages in our new modern world? Or is it because of the scary nature of such a big committment? Does everybody really consider the magnitude of those I Do's? Even love des not seem to guarantee the maintenance of a life time contract, or maybe we have become lazy individuals while it comes to doing this Full Time job called marriage. People fall in and out of love, but what is scary is that not every one is able to precisely define love. While celebities get married wildly over passion, intellectuals get married after pondering about their mental connections. But ironically, both groups seem to fail in their marriages at some point, and this is what has made many of my friends laugh at the idea of marriage as a constitution. " What if I fall in love again ?" said N. while sipping her coffee the other day. We were discussing a long term committment of course, for which she was obviousely not ready.
I really doubt if there will ever be any criteria for recognising the right moment and the right binding. " When it is right, it is right, and there is no question whatsoever" . Maybe he is right,Dan, my philosopher friend who is believer in faith. Or maybe it is all about faith, in your feelings . Maybe it is all about honesty, when it comes down to be honest with yourself, when there are doubts and fears in your mind. Maybe it is about common sense, that un-definable feeling in your guts which tells you something you might ignore. Maybe it is about maturity and unconditional love to everyone, which makes you realise you are not going to OWN anyone, instead you might be lucky enough to enjoy the presence of a different person in your life, but not in your personal space. Maybe it is that very moment of getting things wrong that marriages start to fail. When you get love for posession, lust for passion and desperate need for sincere care. Maybe it takes a bit of adventure to discover another human being, another world with its highs and lows, and not judging them. Maybe we are living in a world of displaced values after all. Granted the freedom and independance, we tend to forget that like any other task, maintaining a relationship requires education, curiosity, devotion and hard work. The bigger we get in our names and titles, the more reluctant we seem to be to accept a little piece of advice, and this can simply be detremental to personal lives. The biggest worry though remains for our children, the genration for which I am worried. I have no idea how they will handle interpersonal relations, let alone how they will define them...

There is a lot more to those I Do's than the white gown and the diamond ring...

O xxx

2005-04-22T12:57:00.000-07:00

There are times to laugh, there are times to cry. There are times to run and times to just sit down and reflect. There is something about human beings, like wanting to be what they are not. I guess there is something going on around me, in every single moment of my life. I have been through my highs and lows recently, and for some reason, I just find it different from ever before. There is some kind of transformation happening in my life, in my soul and in my mind. I finally made th big decision, as big as it could have been at the time. I am sure one day I will look back and consider this in a different way. But I have learnt so far that life is about moments and about choices. I am stepping into an unknown path, one drastically different from any ever before. I am moving again, like an migrant bird, and I have a feeling that this move will change my life for good. I don't know how I will perfrom in my new field, how I will feel about this shift between two different careers, and how I will evaluate myself in, say ten years time. But all I have to remember is that i felt so right about it at this very moment. For the first time in my life, I am listening to this calling which has been there for a while now. I am not turning my head away anymore, I am not following the safe route anymore, and in one word, I am taking a big risk. But I do believe that taking no risks is the biggest risk ever. Maybe this is what I had to learn from my Oxford experience, with all its beautiful moments of challenge and enlightment. Perhaps this is a new chapter of that story, about a girl who always dreamt of making a difference. Perhaps I am making a difference, at least in my own life and for the sake of my own growth.
Life is all about choices, and at one point I just made a choice. A choice of studying human beings, a choice of abandening genes and sticking to my passion, a choice of living my life as if there will be no tomorrow. Right now, at this very uncertain plot of my story, I am just hoping for a brighter tomorrow. I have no regrets whatsoever, for having done science for two years. As much as I learnt about myself, I have been through a unique stage of self-awareness. I got to terms with the fact that I had little insight about my own innermost dreams. I could not be luckier to have the opprotunity to discover this thing which is creeping under my skin. This thing which wakes me up in the middle of the night and puts me at my desk to write down some words that I have no control over. This urge to DO something which I can be satisfied with, deeply and honestly.
Long way to go bird ! There are still loads and loads of roads to go, perhaps many more than I ever expected. But now I know that life is not about your personal fantasies. There is much more to life, there are dreams, actions and passion. There is honesty and devotion. There is love and humanity. And indeed, there is faith.
I would desire to frame this beautiful picture of my Oxford life in an antique wooden frame and keep it somewhere safe in my heart. I owe a lot to these cherished moments of friendships and miracles. I owe a lot to every single person here who has left a footprint in my life. I owe to this old fashioned room of mine in my college. I owe to all those laughters and jokes which lightened up my life. I owe to all those tears of fear and confusion which made me stronger in the end. I owe to all those bops and formal halls for bringing into my life a new perspective of social life. I owe to my very first friends and my very last memories of them. I owe to those who made me realise what I want from my life. I owe to every different experience of oxford which helped me identify myself in this new world. I owe to the hardship of being a migrant bird of winter, and I owe to the joy of being a well-integrated member of this internationl family. I owe to these beautiful photos of two extraordiary years of my life, which couldn't have passed in a better place than this. I owe to my best friend, my god who wrote this chapter of my life. I owe to myself also, for realising how lucky I am to have been through this; I could have easily ignored what I was granted.
There are times to laugh and there are times to cry. There are times to sit down here, by this window which overlooks the quad, and to ponder. There are times to realise that life is all about having faith in your dreams, and what is the point of having dreams if you are not going to take action to make then come true?

Oxford- St Peters' college
O xxx

2 Years ...

2005-02-01T03:54:00.000-08:00

It was exactly 2 years ago, this time when I left home. We were sitting up till morning with my sisters and my brother. I can see the packed luggage by the door, and then I see myself, on Mehrabad airport's escalators which took me to the gate... I can see all those faces covered with tears in the airport, and I can see that girl who had no idea where she was heading to. Now, I look back and I feel I have lived two lives, one is mine and one is that girl's. This is how my Kooch started ( Kooch is a Persian word, which stands for the immigration of birds in winter) , this is how I ended up in Gluster Green station, on a freezing cold Sunday afternoon in February 2003. Kooch has its own highs and lows, and the first 2-3 months are full of lows. But then after that, my life just took over, things changed and there I was, living in the beautiful St Margaret's house, having the most wonderful friends, and activating a small Persian Society which is now much larger and much more active. I can not put my unique experience of Oxford into words. All I can say is that Oxford changed my life for good. In the first post of this weblog I have talked about Identity, and now when I look back, I am so very grateful for this new ME, for these new glasses on my eyes when I look at myself, my world and people, and above all, for knowing myself in a way that could not have happened, had I not faced the realities the way I did. This small beautiful city will always remain my first Kooch's home, with the memory of that lovely house, the nights we spent talking and talking with Naty and Basak, the MCR and its BOPS and Guest nights, Wonderful friends, beautiful momemts shared with Vanessa who was my first dear friend in Oxford, Tarbouch and the nights Shiva and I shared our highs and lows over a cup of mint tea, the cosy cafes and the river, punting, summer and all those tourists and open air Shakespeare’s plays, my world in this college room, people I know, sharhrzad joon and Dr Sheikh and the sense of family that they gave me, special days and nights which were special only because of special friends and special moments we shared...
Had I not experienced this Kooch, I could have never known this ME the way I have so far. It is exactly 2 years now, tonight, since I started this journey, which is still going on, god know for how long... I look in the mirror and see her, in all those places, sitting in different cafes, cycling along the river, knowing and talking to different people, laughing, crying, losing, starting afresh, making decision, carrying all these questions on her shoulders, trying new things, learning new worlds, finding new ways... I look right into her eyes; she is a bit tired, yet determined. “Well done girl! For all these days and nights, for 2 years of kooch and for all the good and bad moments you lived..." Looking right into my eyes, she smiles.

Burn's Night

2005-02-01T03:22:00.000-08:00

Holidays over.. The terms begin and the college is alive again. One of the great events I attended last week was the Burn's night on 25th of January - Robert Burn's birthday. Richard Simcox had sent me a book on Burn - the famous Scottish poet- along with a tiny bottle of Scottish whisky called Immortal Memory when he found out I was curious. I was Shiva's guest at Wolfson's Burn's night, and we had a great time. It was a beautiful experience, not just because of the Haggis or the kilts men were wearing, but mostly because of the conversations we had with Scottish families at the dinner table. I found a lot of similarities between their culture and my own. We were welcomed by a piper who played until the high table was ready to be seated. Haggis - the main traditional dish - was delivered on a silver plate to the high table (again accompanied by the piper), and the head of the high table made a rendition of “Address of the Haggis", while he had a knife ready to cut the haggis, then the food was served. I learned some new words too:) Tatties stands for potatoes and cock means chicken. After the pudding and coffee were served, some of the high table people gave speeches on Burn's life, highs and lows, with a touch of humour on his being a womaniser, yet focusing on his being a great patriot. Finally, toasts were made to "The Immortal Memory of Robert Burn!"... But the best part was dancing. Most of the guys were wearing kilts, with a hanging sparron, white socks and black jackets. I really enjoyed those reeling and that happy and cheerful feeling which was in the air. It was a great experience, worth trying. Well, not much about Oxford, thing are as usual, the MCR events and the Persian Society and so on... Also Iraq's elections were on, and rumours of USA's attack to Iran are back again, especially after Hersh's report in New Yorker, God knows true or bullshit...
That is all for now
Ta

2005-01-04T17:16:00.000-08:00

Another friend just left Iran for USA, great achivement, yet makes me think of what we are heading to .. who is left there ? All my friends are scattered around the world, leaving each other beautiful memories of good old days... Anyways, Good luck for everyone who braves the difficulties of Kooch ( which means the migration of birds in Persian ) ...
Such a wonder is life. Sometimes I can't recognise myself when i look back, many things have changed, many priceless experiences life has offered me.. But many things are still intact, many things like the image of that girl who used to drive fast in Tehran's highways while listening to Shahre- Ghesseh ( a great play with lots of pun and great music ) , who used to sit up at her on-calls waiting for the magical moment of listening to mark Anthony and Lara Fabian, who enjoyed her days in the balcony of Shouka ( a hot spot cafe in Tehran ), and who one day decided to leave everything behind, and did so. But after years, she is just realising that some things are never left behind, and will always follow her even in Oxford, even in Tarbouch when she sips her mint tea with Shiva, even when she cycles by the river and listen to Ojos Asi. Such is life, no wonder it becomes more complicated as years go by ...
The number of casualties of Tsunami has gone beyong hundred of thousands, many kids are abducted and families are desperately looking for their kids. This happened in Bam too, and I believe it is the most horrible things that occurs after disasters... People are donating generousely, unlike governments. Such a disgusting manner has politics. Tons of money is spent on wars at the same time ...
Well, that is all for now. Not much to say...
Ta

A Beautiful Mind ...

2005-01-03T16:48:00.000-08:00

Watching the beautiful Mind again after so long, was quite a treat. I just love this movie, perhaps it is the power of love in Nash's life, the power of IQ in an schizophrenic patient who can realise the Real from Unreal finally, or maybe just beause of the great acting.. It reminds me of Abdorreza maybe, my own patient in Rouzbeh's psychiatry rotation, who was the world's Monji - the one who will rescue us all someday - I still remember his words, his wise words, as well as the moment I asked myself : Could he be right? It is so difficult to define the line between reality and delusions, and this is where Schizophrenia comes up .. He was a young artist, a painter, very good looking and very much articulate. Although in the course of few days after admission, he looked more like an old man, in those blue customs of the ward, domestic like a baby under the influence of strong sedatives.. By the way, he chose me as one of his 13 female soldiers for the big day of fighting the evil and putting an end to this world...
My rotation was over, and years came along. But still this question floats in my mind : Who knows what is going on in their minds, occasionally their beautiful minds ... Such a complicated wolrd is the Human being's mind ...

New Year ...

2004-12-31T16:48:00.000-08:00

So, here we go, the 2005 is here now, it is half an hour actually. Not a very happy beginning though, with the disaster in asia, but still room for hope I suppose..
I am trying to review my Rushy 2004, and all I can see is racing with time. I am hoping for a new year with a regular pace and lots of peace. Going through some difficult days, all I can pray for, is Serenity.
Happy new year from quiet and vacant St Peter's :) I am happy to start my new year with writing, first in my Persian weblog and then here. I feel alive when i write, maybe this is the point, the message of this new year for me.. I have to face big decisions, and yet Time is such a distraction when it comes to making decisions. Let's hope for the Right Path and the Right decisions tonight. Let's be grateful for all that life has given me so far, and for all I am now. Let's pray for a peaceful world and a peaceful Persia. Let's hope for love and friendship and laughter...
Happy New Year :)

Again ...

2004-12-26T16:21:00.000-08:00

It is such a long time I haven't updated this page. I have been so busy. Besides, writing in my Persian blog makes it rather an effort to repeat some things here too. Lots of work, and now holidays. All my friends are off home , and i am having my days in SPC, absolutely vacant ! Although i spent the Xmas eve with a dear Persian friend - Chery joon - and had a great time. The college had its Xmas dinner at the end of the term, along with the Secret Santa tradition in the MCR. I got my little Bailey's present and poem from Charles, which was a treat !
Not much about Oxford recently, except for the trees and lights and Xmas songs everywhere, plus loads of shopping ! I love this Xmas ambiance, though we do not celebrate it back home. But personally, I reckon regardless of which calender you are on, the new year is always a good time for communcating, for caring, for making others happy, for get togethers and above all, for looking back and evaluating the past year. I did so, and there is a lot I realised about myself. 2004 was such a compact year for me, lots of good and bad moments, and yet I am happy to have lived every single moment of it. I am grateful for what i have and will be trying to reach for what i want. I just love this warmth caused by all these greetings, cards, presents and good wishes. It is the same with our own new year, and the traditions are more or less the same in logic if not in the way they are kept.

It is so unfortunate though to have this tragic earthquake on th Xmas day in south India, in the heart of the ocean. For me, it is more tragic, as we experienced the same thing exactly this time last year in Bam. I was home then, and i can not foget those scenes, those dead bodies, those long queues for donations of goods and blood. The whole country was in grief, and it still is in a way. Now, another one, another spot.. One of my friends in the MCR is from Maldives , and we have no news from him who is supposed to be on holiday with his family at home. I am trying to get hold of him or someone in touch, but my efforts have been of no avail so far. I am so anxious, and really hope he is OK. So far, 10,000 dead bodies have been found. We lost 50 tousand in Bam last year, plus thousands injured and depressed and homeless. Lots of kids were kidnapped and lost then, and ths was just gross. I am thinking of all the post-disaster events and tragedies, and can not stop my tears. There is nothing we could do now, except for trying to help at least by donating I suppose.

Sometimes life is full of conflicts and questions, such as "Why ..."
That is it for now ..
O xxx

2004-11-06T13:06:00.000-08:00

I really needed a day off, after such a long week with experiments that don't work ... Today was Naty's delayed graduation ceremony for her undergrad degree, and we gethered in Eagle and Child for a drink. Meeting her parents was a big delight, i ended up chatting with them in spanish ( tried to ! ) and they were just lovely. I was so proud to see Naty in that black gown, and as i wrote for her, I do hope that this day will be the beginning of her glamorous future. She has a beautiful mind whith never-ending ambitions. When talking to her mom, I realised how our histories are similar in terms of family culture and the way we look at life. It reminded me of our long conversations in St Margaret's House wth Naty, talking about women's rights and development. I had such a nice time with these people, and I am so happy to have made friends like her..
These days, I am getting used to friends starting the conversation with me on how Bush will treat Iran now. There is a lot of contraversy, some of my friends including Alireza think we have to pay the price of a possible war to reach democracy. I respect this perspective though, but thinking about war is out of question for me, and it is so difficult for me to see a bright future for Iran or even Iraq in ten years time. Well, I think the bottom line is the urge we need for a change, at least for our children's future.

...It is unbelivable that I can just relax today and not think about my PCRs not working . Most of my friends are away tonight, so I thought I can put an end to this brilliant Saturday by spontaniously watching Bridget Jones Diary 2 and updating my weblogs ...
Ta

2004-11-02T15:08:00.000-08:00

Tonight at the high table I met a visiting greek professor in economics who used to be an engineer, but had shifted to economics later. he had spent months in Iran on his tour in the whole Middle East. He was telling me how the greec and persian culture were rooted in the same traditions, and I was amazed by some thirty common words he mentioned that the two languages shared. He was telling me how he had felt at home in Bam, Yazd, Shiraz and some other cities, as all those old women in vail looked like his own grandma ! According to his broad anthropological knowledge, religious symbols like vail, were rooted in traditional customs of the greek which were later dogmatised and used as religious signs ( apprently the black long vail was widely used in Greece simply because of the hot weather) . Of course all of this can be justified by the Ottoman empire's history and the similar background of the two lands. I knew this through my turkish friends, but had never heard it from the greek friends. He believed the greek tend to pretend they are purely european, but the truth is that even the two languages are basically sharing a lot ( which is true considering both of them as indo-european languages..). He was so passionate about Persepolis, and funny is that he had spoken in Greek with everyone in Iran, Afghanistan and Tajukistan, and it had worked! I wish I could visit Greece at some point. Well, this is the great thing about high table nights, you always get to know someone new, and learn a lot over dinner.

Anyways, the MCR is hosting a full coverage of the election on BBC with loads of muffins and donuts and coffee! The anti-Bush feelings are enormousely vivd tonight, at least in the MCR!
I need to be at work early tomorrow morning, and couldn't manage to stay in the MCR later than this. Not much more news for now...
Ta

2004-11-01T15:22:00.000-08:00

So tired with a lot of work to do... The uniform BOP in the MCR was kinda fun, specially that some old MCR members just popped in and good old memories came back . Now we have the Guest night ahead in fifth week and the theme is Celebrities !
Although it looks a bit early, but the town is getting ready for X-mas. I like this warming sense of christmasing in cold dark days of fall. By the way, tomorrow night the MCR is providing a full coverage of US Presidential Election on BBC, after the High Table until early morning. I don't even know what to hope for as far as my own country is concerned. There is a lot of Bush/Kerry talk all around the place these days. I am just hoping for a brighter future of peace and serenity, and I know it is to much to ask for ..
One of my polish anthropologist friends went to Iran today, for a period of 6 months to work on her research on Afghans. When I saw her off yesterday, I was feeling kinda strange. She is well into the persian culture and language. Over the past 2 years, I have known people from various nationalities who are working on my country. This should make me feel good, and to be honest it does. But I can not avoid being reminded of the young persian who are desperate to leave the country, simply because they can not think of a promising future inside that land. I just wonder how many will ever think of going back, let alone caring enough to contribute to their homeland. And yet at the same time, I do not blame this attitude, as I do understand all the difficulties we have been through. I am not sure if I ever find a proper answer to this question ...
As days go by, I get more and more determined about my decision to persue a career in social/medical sciences. I noticed this need for a change about 8 months ago. It just happened as I realised I have lives two parallel lived for so long, one in a scientific path, the other in literature and humanities. The latter was always considered as a hobby, no wonder if you are raised in Iran. I knew this could not go on , but I always ignored it. Oxford though, made me realise many things about myself and about what I really want from my life. It is true really , that if something is meant to happen, all the universe will talk to you through signs, events and omens. People I met, things I learnt and experiences I had in Oxford, were all trying to make me realise and notice the importance of happiness and self-satisfaction. I have great respect for science and scientists, but at one point I just felt it is not my type. I am not good at business and policies which are ingredients of scince today, nor am I patient enough to stick to my bench for a lifetime. What I terribly missed in science, was the presence of human being. It is just not me, and I can not push myself to fit in this picture. Oxford taught me that humanities and social scienses are as necessary and needed in this world as science. I just looked back and found so much ambition and passion suppressed or rather ignored. Now, I know what I want from my life. Now I believe I can not ignore the fact that writing is my first and basic passion, that human being is my target, that I can make a bridge between medicine and humanities, that serious and global issues of today's world are embeded in culture and human nature the same way they are embeded in genes, that culture is as important as human genome and that there is a lot to contribute to this world. I am so very grateful for my medical training, as well as for my science experience, in that I can benefit from both in future. Now it is time for making a decision, and the only thing I am sure about it is the fact that I should believe in my passion...
I will write about this more in details later, when I have a clear picture of what I am going to be in ten years time. For now, I need to focus on my sequencing and my thesis. It is such a nightmare to write up !
Well, I am so very much ecxited and looking forward to my upcoming trip ...
I am listening to Vaya Con Dios... Just a friend of mine..I love this CD. I just love it ...

Ta

2004-10-29T10:57:00.000-07:00

The whole city is excited for Halloween , and the pumpkins are lying on the staircase. I was just wondering if all those Saints do still come down to earth this week, and if so, can they help us any little to foresee this upcoming future...
There is a lot going on these days, from the USA Presidential Elections on Tuesday to Hallowen BOPs in every single college. Should remember to take some photos from the quad one of these days. It has become so beautiful with the falling leaves and slightly embarressed naked trees. Sometimes I wonder what this thing is which bonds me to this small college. Is it the MCR with its everlasting friendly ambiance or the beatiful old fashioned rooms with fireplaces and wooden multi-drawer desks.. Is it just that people are creating such a small international world which comforts any stranger like me, or is it the collection of memories we share?
Personally, I love Oxford. I love the beautiful Cafes and ancient pubs. I wish I could frame the picture of our nights in Tarbouch, sipping our mint tea and chatting over life, Shiva and I . I made the best friends ever here. There seems to be something in common, an experience if you like, which we all share coming from different spots on this planet. I have grown up with Naty, Vanessa, Shiva, Basak, Dan, Nat, Kevin, all St Margaret's house's people, all the MCR and a lot more...
Such is my Oxford life. I just thought I should write it down somewhere, so that I will never forget how unique this period of my life was. I am looking forward to a future out of here though, and I hope that will be even more beautiful. But here in this page, I am supposed to talk about Oxford more than anything else. Am I not ?
By the way, I can not hide how proud and happy I feel when I see our small Oxford Persian Society toddling and starting to run. We are few, but things have worked so far. I hope one day Oxford will embrace many more persian student each year. I really do. May my country step out of this unwanted isolation for God's sake, and may we live in peace and harmony... My biggest dream is to see my kids off for this city... Dreams will never end, will day ?!

2004-08-26T17:02:00.000-07:00

St Peters College

Identity

2004-08-26T16:06:00.000-07:00

Had I not been here , I wouldn't have the chance to look at my own culture in a profound manner . It was through the Oxford friends and scholars that I discovered the diversity of perpectives, and I realised where I was standing in this circle as a Persian girl. It was through our never-ending discussions that I felt how different my identity was from the image given by the media . We always ended up learning from each other how amazing the other one's cuture was , and how a new angle of looking at the world was missing. My Pakistani friends- mostly Rhode scholars- were mostly into politics, and their broad knowledge of the middle east was eye catching. My anthropoligist friends looked at " us " in a very different way, searching for that lost "Self" in our eastern culture. My European friends were the ones who made me realise that I should re-evaluate my history, and provided me with ample material to compare every aspect of our upbringing with theirs. My American friends though were far from what I expected, regarding my biased knowledge of their values when I was back home . And yet, the most fascinating part, was my experience with my new Persian friends, mostly raised abroad. I found myself in a totally different situation in this circle. I had to re-define my own culture, as oppsed to what I was proud of, what I was concerned about, and what I was ignoring. I can't be more grateful for this opportunity to think loud, and to absorb new words, surprisingly not from books or the media, but from everyday's life. Once I was told by a scholar back home, that no matter what degree I got from Oxford, I would be culturised here as she believed I could breathe culture in the air. When I think of these seemingly exagerrating words now, I realise she was right in a way. I can't compare my social education here to the scientific one. Sometimes it is just like you are meant to analise every single thought as you are cycling on the cubble-stoned streets, and these ancient monuments are silently watching you grow up ...

Like birds who ...

2004-08-24T15:01:00.000-07:00

It is nearly two years now , since I packed and decided to land in this beautiful city , whose outstanding history and unique beauty rise eyebrows . Having been brought up in a totally different country , I can probably call this migration the main turning point of my life so far . Even frequent trips to UK during my childhood couldn't ever have made it any easier to settle down in another land , with different traditions , different schools of thought and different upbringings . I was lucky though to have had the chance of getting exposed to the western world in a proper way since I was a little girl . But no matter how intellectual your upbringing is , you still feel alien when you end up in Oxford for the first time . That is how I felt when I entered Glucester Green station , on the very first days of Februaury 2003.
A lot has happened during these months , a lot of words are on my mind when i want to talk about them . The only thing I know now , is that I couldn't have been Me- the way I am now - Had I not made this move . There is this word " Kouch " in Persian , which means migration of birds in winter . I feel just like those birds , who leave temporarily and experince a new life in some other place. In my case , that place was probably one of the best places one could get , and I am grateful for that . It is through Kouch , that one can observe life realistically . Even more than that , I reckon one can have a much more profound understanding of his/her own identity and culture when it comes to living soewhere else . It is as if you are wearing a pair of different glasses than the conventional ones you had to wear at home .
Had it been any other way , i would never have the opportunity to unite with people from various backgrounds , and in other words , to human beings. Now, this is my Oxford life. Be it brief or temporary , I don't know what life is planning to offer me later . I just feel the urge to live these moments consiousely, and to make this Kouch , a different one ..
Voila' ! These are a migrant's inner chats and outer stories ...